After Telegram, government now plans to shut down Orkut

Kapil Sibal further claimed that since the logo resembled “zero”, Google would suffer zero loss even if the government closed down Orkut.

After Telegram, the government now plans to shut down another popular medium of communication from the ancient times – Orkut. The social networking website, launched in 2004, had gained immense popularity in India, but its visitor base has steeply declined in the last couple of years as most Indians have switched to Facebook and Twitter.
“According to the latest figures, Orkut has just 78 active Indian users. We cannot employ dedicated resources to monitor activities of just these 78 accounts. To add to it, none of them is a Congress fanboy account. So, we don’t see any reason to continue Orkut in India,” union minister Kapil Sibal explained the rationale behind the move.
This decision has shocked the BJP, as Congress for the first time has not gone out of their way to support a minority group (Orkut users, in this case) for votebank. #BlowToModi
Apart from BJP, some users are also shocked. Mohit Singh, an active social networking user said, “Orkut has been a special part of India’s internet history. It revolutionized friendship in India. I never knew I had 693 friends in my life until Orkut. I no more use it, but will always hold a special place in my browser history.”
Critics argue that shutting down Orkut is government’s move against free speech, but analysts argue otherwise.
Satish Taurani, statistical manager at SoftAnal InMan (Software Analysis and Internet Management) said, “It’s a wise decision. People don’t use Orkut anymore. Forget social-networking addicts, even Narendra Modi trolls don’t use Orkut. That in itself proves what a ghostly town Orkut had become.”
Although majority of Orkut account holders don’t care about this development, Kapil Mishra, a religious Orkut user says he is unhappy with this decision. “This is insane! Where am I going to create fake profiles now? Facebook instantly deactivates fake profiles, I am not smart enough for Twitter, and even Google employees don’t use Google+. This is unjustified,” Kapil told Faking News, admitting that he has 4 fake Orkut profiles, out of which 3 are of girls.
A newer generation that has started to take over social networking, have never even visited the site. “Yeah yeah, I’ve sorta heard about it. My uncle used to use Orkut in his college days. But I’m a twitter addict… like totally,” says Tanya Khanna, age 15, who has more than 8000 followers on Twitter and a Facebook fanpage of herself.
Meanwhile, Orkut is gearing up to bid India adieu. It has already shut down its “Testimonials” service and the very infamous “Recent Visitors” feature. The service will breathe its last in India sometime soon. Google, which owns Orkut, has reportedly thanked the government of India for taking a decision that they were not able to take.
It is believed that like the last Telegram sent, even Orkut’s last scrap would be a significant one. Experts predict that, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh will post his Independence Day wishes as a scrap on his own scrapbook (instead of the usual hour long speech) marking the end of this 9 year old rule service.

Source: 
http://tinyurl.com/pfxqnye

With support of 65 MPs, Obama to fight next general elections in India

Washington, DC. After 65 Indian MPs involved him in domestic politics of India, US President Barack Obama is taking a keen interest in Indian politics and planning a more pro-active role.
“I didn’t knew so many Indian parliamentarians have such a deep faith in me, I’m touched,” said a happy Obama after receiving the letter signed by 65 MPs from India, twice over a period of few weeks.
“Since the US constitution doesn’t allow a third term as a President, and Indian constitution doesn’t bar a foreign born person from fighting elections, I am planning to commence my political career in India,” Obama told Faking News.
Obama further told that he was planning to project himself as a “secular” alternative to Narendra Modi.
“Frankly I don’t know this secular-communal shit in Indian politics, I tried to read up but it’s all so mixed up,” Obama said, “But it appears that people are secular if they oppose Narendra Modi, so be it! I’ve already the support of 65 anti-Modi MPs.”
“I also have a Nobel Prize, so even Amartya Sen can’t oppose me,” he added.
Experts believe that Obama’s move could indeed create a major upset in 2014 general elections. Since Obama is amenable only to US Congress and not to Sonia Gandhi’s Congress, the current ruling party could start attacking Obama.
“Obama is reported to be keeping a small idol of Hanuman, and this information could be used by Digvijay Singh to claim that Obama was communal,” a political expert predicted.
BJP is confused as they don’t know how to react. While Obama’s presence could divide anti-Modi votes, there is a risk that Obama sweeps the elections and BJP could lose yet another election.
Sources further claim that recent visit by US VP Joe Biden was actually to find political allies for Obama. One of the electoral promises Obama could come up is to promise US visa to Indian professionals – something that could help him sweep elections in cities populated by IT professionals.
Among other strategies that Obama could adopt, is not to lose American accent even while speaking Hindi.
“Winning elections by speaking Hindi with an accent is not new to India. Someone did it before, Mr. Obama will do it again,” winked Obama’s personal adviser, who has finalized this retirement plan for the incumbent US President.

Source: http://tinyurl.com/lwv7evx

Abraham Lincoln to Switch Parties

HEAVEN--In a tweet sent from heaven yesterday, Abraham Lincoln announced: "Watching the Party of Me turn into the party of Steve King and Don Young. Am switching to the other side, till my side gets its shit together." The founder of the modern Republican Party then followed his tweet with an email:

"Almost eight score years ago, about the time of the Kansas-Nebraska Act, the modern Republican Party was founded, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal.

Now the GOP is engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that notion, or any notion that somehow equates 'liberty' with xenophobia against all races but that of Caucasoid race, can long endure. We are, in fact, right in the middle of a great battle with this Immigration Bill in Washington, with my party, the party that passed the Thirteenth and Fourteenth Amendments to the Constitution, calling large swaths of this country drug mules and wetbacks and worse, as we alienate just about every ethnic group in America. It is altogether stupid and un-wise that we should do this, but here we are.

It is for the reasons enumerated above that I am switching parties. A party that supports voter suppression-as the modern GOP most assuredly did in 2012 and still does-and a party that condones the taking of a teenage African-American's life in the name of the morally indefensible Stand Your Ground Laws-is a party that I can no longer support. It is my fervent hope that by withdrawing my support from this party, this party shall, under God, have a new birth of freedom--and that party of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

But I'm not holding my breath."

Abraham Lincoln

Source: http://tinyurl.com/k39nf9p

China to send fake terrorists in army uniforms for future incursions

Beijing, China. After realizing that the Indian authorities give clean chit to a nation if it claims that their army uniforms were misused, China has decided to infiltrate Ladakh region with a fresh approach.
They have decided to create fake terrorists and send them in army uniforms to ward off resistance, if any, their Indian counterparts may have to offer.
“Since we as a country do not have natural talent pool of terrorists at our disposal like Pakistan, we have decided to do what we are best at. Fake it if you can’t make it,” a PLA (Chinese army) source confirmed the development.
These fake terrorists will be wearing Chinese army uniforms and intrude into Jammu & Kashmir and Arunachal Pradesh whenever they feel bored. China believes that the step will normalize Sino-Indian relations.
“Not that we faced much trouble over earlier incursions, but the government of India requested us to go slow. They wanted the incursions to be ‘diplomatic’ and friendly,” Ghus Li, spokesman of the Chinese army told Faking News.
Chinese sources claim that the incursions through terrorists in army uniforms was a very “diplomatic” and Indian government will welcome the move, apart from giving them clean chits.
“We can surely do at least this much for a nation that has been so hospitable to us so far,” Ghus Li said.

Source: http://tinyurl.com/l7oyxjw

No friendship band sold as Friendship Day celebrated exclusively on Facebook

Mumbai. Companies that got major sales boost 15 years ago when Shah Rukh Khan tied friendship bands in the movie Kuchh Kuchh Hota Hai, are today a disappointed lot.
Manufacturers are complaining of losing business as the modern day youth is choosing to celebrate the festivals on social networks.
“Why spend so much money on buying countless friendship bands when the same thing can be done by tagging your all your friends in a single friendship day pic?” argued 15-year-old Prakash.
“Biggest benefit is that you can tag any girl, who normally may not accept your friendship band in reality,” the Delhi lad added.
“And above that, the pic in which you tag your friends remains in Facebook album forever, unlike friendship bands that generally end up getting lost or used by moms for tying trash,” explained Prakash, sipping his favorite cafe-latte while sitting alone at CCD.
Girls are also quite happy with this change that has come as a blow to small scale businessmen.
“It’s better to accept a photo-tag than accepting a friendship band from guys. It saves from unnecessary confusion where boys think I have accepted their romantic proposal,” Anu, a Mumbai University student told Faking News.
But the markets are not ready to give up. To address these issues, they have petitioned Facebook.
“Facebook should allow a boy to tag a girl on Friendship Day only after a minimum charge is paid,” a former friendship band manufacturer suggested, “We are willing to hire web developers and make such Facebook apps.”

 Source: http://tinyurl.com/m8mnm9u

IAS officer transferred 42 times in 4 days as local leaders try to set a world record

Different places where the IAS officer got transferred

Noida. A curious case of a UP cadre IAS officer being transferred forty two times in four days has come to light. Laxmi Devi Lakhanpal was first transferred from Noida to Moradabad four days back when she reportedly annoyed the local hooch mafia.
Surendra Katti, the local MLA and part of the mafia then bragged about getting her transferred within 41 minutes by using his influence with the party high command.
As soon as the local party senior worker Rajendra at Moradabad learnt of Surendra’s claim, he called the high command and ensured that the officer was transferred from Moradabad to Gorakhpur within 37 minutes.
Party workers say that he and Surendra are old rivals in the party cadre. If Surendra can arrange a crowd of 5000 at a party rally, Rajendra can do better with 6000.
Thanks to the prompt media coverage, soon the news on Laxmi Devi’s two competing transfers traveled far and wide and a competition broke out among the party satraps as to whoever could ensure a faster transfer of Laxmi Devi had a better influence on the high command, and thus had greater power to wield.
The game of one upmanship ensued into a chain reaction resulting into a series of transfers for the officer from each new posting she was assigned to.
There were even rumors doing the rounds that whoever could ensure a transfer in less than 15 minutes would be offered the post of a Cabinet Minister by the Chief Minister.
“The PS did not pick up the phone for two minutes otherwise I would have achieved her transfer in 15 minutes,” said Kunj Bihari from Varansi who got her transferred in 17 minutes.
The competition intensified, became more passionate, and more transfers for the IAS officer followed.
“A Chief Secretary can not have a MLA suspended even in five years,” said a senior party leader when asked by Faking News if he didn’t fear any backlash from the IAS officers, “Babus should not even dream of competing with politicians.”
All this while Laxmi Devi Lakhanpal kept on getting transfer orders – for reasons ranging from destroying communal harmony to acting against poor sections of the society, to even giving bribe when she was giving alms to a beggar.
As the search for new plausible reason for the transfer failed, additional Secretary, HRD, P K Singh, an old hand at the head quarters then pointed to clause 8(2) read with para 23 of the appointment letter, under which an officer could be transferred for administrative reasons.
After third, all her transfers took place under this clause.
With so many transfers so fast, Laxmi Devi is yet to leave Noida as the place of her new posting keeps getting changed by the hour.
Latest reports suggest that Laxmi Devi Lakhanpal has been transferred for the 43rd time. Sources confirm that the 43rd transfer has resulted into her getting posted back to Noida on the same post she was occupying four days back.
“There might have been no change as a result, but politics is all about bringing no change by putting a lot of effort,” explained a political expert.

Source: http://tinyurl.com/mtu9hef

IAS officer transferred 42 times in 4 days as local leaders try to set a world record

Different places where the IAS officer got transferred

Noida. A curious case of a UP cadre IAS officer being transferred forty two times in four days has come to light. Laxmi Devi Lakhanpal was first transferred from Noida to Moradabad four days back when she reportedly annoyed the local hooch mafia.
Surendra Katti, the local MLA and part of the mafia then bragged about getting her transferred within 41 minutes by using his influence with the party high command.
As soon as the local party senior worker Rajendra at Moradabad learnt of Surendra’s claim, he called the high command and ensured that the officer was transferred from Moradabad to Gorakhpur within 37 minutes.
Party workers say that he and Surendra are old rivals in the party cadre. If Surendra can arrange a crowd of 5000 at a party rally, Rajendra can do better with 6000.
Thanks to the prompt media coverage, soon the news on Laxmi Devi’s two competing transfers traveled far and wide and a competition broke out among the party satraps as to whoever could ensure a faster transfer of Laxmi Devi had a better influence on the high command, and thus had greater power to wield.
The game of one upmanship ensued into a chain reaction resulting into a series of transfers for the officer from each new posting she was assigned to.
There were even rumors doing the rounds that whoever could ensure a transfer in less than 15 minutes would be offered the post of a Cabinet Minister by the Chief Minister.
“The PS did not pick up the phone for two minutes otherwise I would have achieved her transfer in 15 minutes,” said Kunj Bihari from Varansi who got her transferred in 17 minutes.
The competition intensified, became more passionate, and more transfers for the IAS officer followed.
“A Chief Secretary can not have a MLA suspended even in five years,” said a senior party leader when asked by Faking News if he didn’t fear any backlash from the IAS officers, “Babus should not even dream of competing with politicians.”
All this while Laxmi Devi Lakhanpal kept on getting transfer orders – for reasons ranging from destroying communal harmony to acting against poor sections of the society, to even giving bribe when she was giving alms to a beggar.
As the search for new plausible reason for the transfer failed, additional Secretary, HRD, P K Singh, an old hand at the head quarters then pointed to clause 8(2) read with para 23 of the appointment letter, under which an officer could be transferred for administrative reasons.
After third, all her transfers took place under this clause.
With so many transfers so fast, Laxmi Devi is yet to leave Noida as the place of her new posting keeps getting changed by the hour.
Latest reports suggest that Laxmi Devi Lakhanpal has been transferred for the 43rd time. Sources confirm that the 43rd transfer has resulted into her getting posted back to Noida on the same post she was occupying four days back.
“There might have been no change as a result, but politics is all about bringing no change by putting a lot of effort,” explained a political expert.

Source: http://tinyurl.com/mtu9hef

BreakMyShaadi.com – website launched for couples stuck in a relationship

Mumbai. Abhijeet Goyal, a professional working for a reputed IT firm has recently launched his site breakmyshaadi.com targeted at couples looking for quicker separation from the bonds of marriage or even live-in relationships.
The site has already received 60,000 pageviews with around 25,000 unique visitors within hours of it being launched.

“Couples just need to register on the site, and with a single click they can get a divorce and our team will take care of all the legal issues,” says Abhijeet.
“Yes, all religious sanctions have also been taken,” Abhijeet further adds, “Hindu couples have to fast for one week as penance while Muslim husbands must click thrice on the ‘talaaq’ button for a valid transaction.”
Maya Sharma (name changed on request), who works as a media professional got her divorce through breakmyshaadi. She says, “I had met my husband through a matrimony website called Facebook. We soon changed our relationship status as ‘In a relationship’, ‘Married’ to ‘It’s complicated’. There was option of ‘Divorced’ too, but Facebook didn’t give any legal support.”
Homeopathic doctor turned marriage counselor Dr. Batra says, “It’s a wonderful service as bad marriages or relationships cause a lot of emotional and mental stress. This can lead to hair loss. We treat all kind of hair losses at our clinic. Couples should also try our services and I am willing to partner with this website.”
While Abhijeet didn’t respond to Dr. Batra’s spam offer of partnership, he confirmed that he was in talks with John Abraham and Bipasha Basu to rope them as brand ambassadors. “This is to make sure that the website, despite saying ‘shaadi’, attracts even unmarried couples stuck in a bad relationship,” he explained.
To widen the appeal and customer base of the website further, Abhijeet is even thinking of allowing entities like companies, political parties, or partnerships to register as members and break their alliance.
“Imagine Nitish Kumar breaking his alliance with BJP online,” he told Faking News.

Source: http://tinyurl.com/nelh3ce

Standard format for political posters finalized

In a move to remove confusion while designing billboards for any political event e.g. rally, thanksgiving or just-like-that, the two biggest political parties of India have agreed to adopt a Unified Billboard Code (UBC). These design standards will be adhered to by the various national, state and district level organizations of these political parties.

Political leaders often suffer heartburn after finding their faces in smaller-than-expected sizes or even missing from the billboards put up during political events. This leads to weakening of the organizational fabric and, in some extreme cases, defection to the Aam Admi Party.
As illustrated below, the entire billboard or newspaper ad area shall be apportioned into Fixed and Variable levels. The relative sizes of each level have been standardized and shall not be changed under any circumstance:

The usage of India’s national colors have also been specified as follows:

1. Saffron (Eternal Sunset): to be used for departed souls, who are benevolently blessing every shenanigan of the party.
2. White (Cleanliness): to be used for the current Teflon-coated Dynasty and senior most party leadership.
3. Green (Greenhorns): to be used for the honhaar virbaan (emerging youth leadership) of the party. The foot soldiers, the crowd organizers, who also happen to pay for the billboards and ads. Specific instructions have been given not to address them as ‘Investors’

The UBC has even gone to the extent of exactly specifying the facial directions of various leaders and the direction of supplicants’ hands folded in prayer lest the blessings miss them by.
The Unified Billing Code shall come into force before the upcoming 2014 General Elections.

Source: http://to.ly/m5N8

Employers to deduct “accessibility fee” from men flirting with women in office

Mumbai. Accounts and HR managers from various companies have agreed to make a major policy change that follows from the the observed practice of office romance and flirting.

“We realize that many young men, sometimes old men too, whom we hire, tend to treat the office as a dating zone. They eventually save membership fee that online dating or matrimony websites charge,” a senior accounts manager explained.

“This is a service that the workplaces are providing for free, and there is nothing wrong if we start charging for it,” the manager told Faking News.

“At least we are not banning office romance altogether, as it is done by many companies in the west!” an HR manager jumped in to justify the latest corporate decision.

According to the new rule, women working in any organization would be asked to “rate” men working with them as “Gentleman”, “Hottie”, “Bore”, or “Cheapo”. Those rated cheapos by the majority will have an “accessibility fee” deducted from their salaries.

“The only way such cheapos can hope get near any girl is by begging her out for lunch/dinner, buying gifts, etc. We are making girls accessible to them, that too in air-conditioned premises with free coffee vending machines. They must pay up for these services,” management explained the rationale.
These companies, whether in IT, manufacturing, or media sectors, would be further adding service tax on the accessibility fee deducted from the salaries. Experts believe that cheapos could have almost 15% of their take-home salary deducted after the new rule is implemented.

When asked why only men were being brought under this new law when even women could be using such services as well, the management termed the question “sexist” and claimed that their decision was approved by relevant activists.

While women have welcomed the decision, men are divided. Those men who fear being rated as cheapos are opposing the decision while those who are hopeful of being rated as hotties are demanding that the salaries deducted from cheapos be transferred to their accounts.

Source: http://to.ly/m59E

Madras High Court directs government to issue ‘sex certificate’

Written By Rajat Bedi on Tuesday, 18 June 2013 | 21:26

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After announcing that the sexual relationship in one way is marriage and proper document is sufficient to prove that, Madras High Court directed the government to start issuing 'Sex Certificate'. The couple can apply for sex certificate immediately after they completed their intercourse. They will require carrying bottle of sperms to prove that they indulge in sex.

"This is a proper way," said Lawyer S Padmanabhan "I think document like Sex Certificate will protect them legally."

According to sources, the certificate would record the sex was passionate or boring so that by the time of applying for divorce, Judge can easily understand the mutual relationship between them. The sources also confirmed that the certificate will be valid for Aadhar.

"In a next step the Aadhar card number will record every sex with different partners using barcode type technology," said Nandan Nilekani, the Chairman of the Unique Identification Authority of India (UIDAI).

In another news related to Madras HC's verdict, 34 more bed partners of ND Tiwari and 21 sex partners of Abhishek Manu Singhvi claimed them as their husbands. Court will hear their pleas on first week of July.

Bipasha Basu said on twitter that she is now confused over disclosing her relati0nship with John Abraham.

Source: http://www.theindiasatire.com/2013/06/madras-high-court-directs-government-to.html?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+TheIndiaSatire+%28The+India+Satire%29